Speaking out of anger vs. Speaking out of love

I don’t usually struggle with speaking out of anger. I’m not that person but I did have a not-so-nice run in with speaking out of anger on Sunday evening. I’ll preface my experience with this:

Someone once told me that the word “anger” is usually code for another emotion such as fear, hurt, sadness or betrayal. When we speak out of anger, it isn’t actually anger that is coming out, but instead another emotion or mix of emotions.  The word anger hides what you don’t want to explain or simply don’t have words to because you’re experiencing a ton of other emotions all at once and the rush of those is overwhelming. When such emotions come into play, we can hurt those people around us by taking those emotions out on them, regardless of whether or not that person has anything to do with what’s going on in our lives. With that said, when we take out our so-called “anger” on others, the fireworks begin to go off because not only are we thinking about and revealing the chaos of what’s going on in our hearts, but we are hurting someone else in the process.

Sunday evening was pretty much the eruption point in a volcano that was doomed to go off at any moment. When I finally made my Houston decision on Thursday and actually called my current District Manager to request a transfer back to a Houston store, my heart sank at the finality of everything. I made a decision and had to stick with it. That’s a rare occasion for me. In the dictionary, next to the word “indecisive," you should find my picture. I’m the queen of not being able to make “big” decisions. Needless to say, I was drowning in emotions. I did not want to change schools again; I had just gotten used to being here. I did not want to tell my friends and family that live near my current college that I was leaving; I hate disappointing people. I was on the verge of a mental breakdown compliments of fear. Because Jessica lives 2 floors up from me and because she’s been my “best friend” since high school, I called her so I could “vent” my fear and tell her I was going back to Houston; I just needed someone that was standing right in front of me to tell me that everything was going to be okay versus having my mom on the phone with me 200 miles away. She didn’t answer but texted me a few minutes later. We sent a series of texts back and forth. I was clearly in distress and she was clearly preoccupied with something else (i.e. the concert she was apparently at). Long story short, she ended up saying that she did not understand why I was so upset and condemned me for even wanting to back to Houston because she was going back. Apparently, Houston isn’t big enough for the two of us?!?!  [The week before she was a blubbering mess about school overwhelming her and I spent every night up late trying to help her figure things out] I told her I just needed to talk and she said she could “give a shit less” because this was “what I wanted all along.” She also went on to say that I chose to be there for her the week before and she did not ask me to be. Lie. {What are you supposed to do when someone calls you crying so hard you can’t understand them??} This was all over text and she sent the last text. After I read those ugly words, I was so taken back. I had been there for her and why wasn’t she there for me? I chose not to text back. This was Thursday.

Friday and Saturday go by. I used the space I’d given myself by not texting back and opening another can of worms to cool off and regroup. I made a decision and was sticking with it.

Sunday evening I was studying with one of our mutual friends, Noelle, for our chemistry test. Noelle’s phone rings and it’s Jessica. She has a question for another class that we’re all three in. Noelle answers the question and Jessica asks what Noelle’s doing. Noelle tells her she’s studying for chemistry and then Jessica asks if I’m there too. Noelle tells her that  I am and Jessica says, “tell her I said ‘hi’.” Noelle relays the message and I look up without saying a word. I did not want to start anything and felt silence would be the best response. Noelle tells her I didn’t say anything. Jessica then proceeds to apologize for being rude and inconsiderate on Thursday but says I was “just trying to get attention and wasn’t really upset.” At that point, Noelle hands me the phone. I told her that she didn’t get to tell me what I was feeling.I’m the only one that can decide how I feel. Not her choice. She then goes into how she didn’t want me to be there when she was having her panic attack over school. I stopped her right there and said that that was what good friends were supposed to do. She said I needed to get over myself and that I was “copying her" by going back to Houston. {What are we in?? KINDERGARTEN? It’s a free country and I am a big girl! I put in my application for UH in FEBRUARY for crying out loud!!} I’m not sure what came over me but I then said, “fuck you. You’re a selfish bitch” and hung up the phone on her. After I did it, I was proud of myself. I finally stood up for myself, which is also a rarity these days.

After about 10 minutes of harping on my new found backbone, I realized that what I said and did was ugly. I spoke out of anger. I never talk to people like that; that’s just not me. I guess I’d just had enough of Jessica only being my “best friend” when it was convenient for her and I honestly felt she was just apologizing because she wanted help on her big research paper that is due this week that she hasn’t even started. When something goes wrong in our friendship, it’s always blamed on me, regardless of whether or not I messed up. I don’t think friendships should be like that; not one of my other friendships is. Part of growing up is being able to admit when you’ve messed up and I guess not everyone learns that at the same age. I wasn’t acting like the Christian I am when I said those terrible words and hung up the phone. I should’ve thoughtfully listened and replied with kinder words because that’s what you do when you speak out of love. It doesn’t matter how upset you are or what’s been done to wrong you. Thoughtful responses make for more productive conversations. Always speak out of love.  When we speak out of love, we focus on helping others and building them up.

Lesson learned. 

P.S. Thank you for hanging in there this long :)